For some time an unknown force has been at work within me. Hiding in plain sight. I’ve been aware of its presence but haven’t been able to identify its actions. It became apparent last week, and I’m quite the fool for not recognising sooner. My personal integrity has been corrupted and manifested itself as one of my demons, the 4th demon I must fight. I’ve known for years that I’m my own worst enemy, and that my biggest battle will always be against myself, but it’s still come as a shock that one of my greatest strengths was working as a double agent all along, forcing me into the wasteland.
The pieces have fallen into place. I’m aware now, I can try to formulate a plan to take the demon out of the equation permanently. It’s no longer smiling at me from the shadows. It’s right in front of my eyes.
My integrity is one of my most valued assets. It stands strong in the face of any opposition, unfaltering. It never backs down. But behind the scenes, when it comes to matters that affect me personally, matters affecting my hopes and dreams, it steps to the side and lets bad habits pass. It’s in this realm where addiction takes hold – the codeine, the THC, the spending to name a few. It’s running ravage here, destroying my body and my life. As per usual, addiction is joined by his brother apathy. Depression appears fashionably late to the party, attempting to put the final nails in my coffin. The three demons aided by their co-conspirator are growing stronger inside me by the day.
At this point in time the outlook is bleak. I’m unhealthy in both body and mind, under the effects of the Codeine and burdened by apathy and depression. I’m quietly confident that I can turn this around and come out on top, but its going to take considerable time and energy. A long road with no shortcuts.
Apathy wins as I take a break from the journey. The road gets darker and more dangerous with every second I hold…